Right Now…

A lot people who talk or write about their own mental illness or those who treat us, tend to speak in pasts and futures. We talk about what we felt “on that day” or what we have to look forward to in the next months or years. Our doctors tell us what we should try to do to make things better for us over the next month while they change our meds or give us some silly mind calming exercises. We tell the doctors what happened to us in our past or what we want to be like when we find that right medication combo or are able to deal with those demons. Nobody ever really talks about right now.

Right now is the most important point in time to talk to someone who suffers from mental illness. This is how we have to live; in the moment. Our emotions and thoughts can change in an instant so Right now is where you need to focus your energy sometimes too. Yes the future and the past are important but so is Right now. Sounds like some self-help gimmick thingy you’d hear on the radio. Trust me, this isn’t that.

Right now, I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I didn’t feel like this last night or last week but Right now, I do.

Right now, I think that my kids and my husband would be better off without having to worry about me all the time. Whether I’m going to lose my shit for no reason or if I can even lift a gallon of milk because I had another fucking surgery. Everyone tiptoes around me, trying not to “wake the sleeping giant”, or they act like I am an invalid who shouldn’t even be required to rinse their own dishes after dinner.  I know that they have good intentions but Right now, I feel like a huge burden on them.

Right now, I have no urge to leave the house or do anything in the house worth talking about. I don’t want to go anywhere, anytime, for any reason. I will beg, borrow, and steal just to get someone else to do the shopping and I have skipped more than a few doctor’s appointments in the last couple of weeks just so I didn’t have to go anywhere. Why? I have no clue. Is it depression? Am I just a lazy piece of shit? Who knows?! Doesn’t matter how much or how little I do in the house…clean the whole thing from top to bottom or barely do anything at all…I still feel the same way. My daughter has to ask her brothers or her dad to take her/pick her up from places because she knows I don’t/won’t leave the house. I actually took her to a something today because she didn’t have a ride. Right now, I am the one who causes the rest of my family to have to plan things that don’t involve me driving or leaving. I am the one causing them to make plans without me.

Right now, I am sick to my stomach when I see myself in the mirror. I have gained so much weight since my thyroid surgery and I knew it would happen (because they told me it would) but I didn’t prepare for this. I blew up like a giant Thanksgiving balloon in NYC. I want to lose the weight and learn how to eat without the raging hormones but I can’t exercise enough to really lose anything because of my back and leg problems. But, the back and leg problems could be helped a little if I could lose some weight. And round and round we go. I can eat healthy, yes. I can choose to push myself as hard as my body will allow, yes. My mind doesn’t see past the pain and the possibility of hurting myself even worse if I do the wrong thing or push too hard. We can’t afford to buy healthy shit just for me. And so, Right now, I eat whatever the fuck I want and sit on my ass doing nothing because I’m too chicken shit to deal with more pain or eat a fucking salad while they eat pizza.

Right now, I know that I am the reason for some of our financial strain. I went through a sneaky bastard of a manic episode that came in the form of “home improvement” and left with “I have nothing to wear because I gained so much weight” and took every cent it got its hands on. Now, every time something negative happens with our finances, I get hit in the gut with the old 1-2-punch…new clothes, new chair, new hair…all of this is my fault. Right now, I hate myself for having no self-awareness or control.

Right now, there are a hundred other things that have swirled around up there but they all boil down to one thing: kill yourself.

That’s right. I said it. It’s not a cuss word. It’s not a declaration. It’s just what my thoughts and emotions keep telling me, Right now.

So, Right now, I chose to get on here and write about it to you instead of listening to the little voices whispering for me to just do it like I planned last time or do it like you planned that time. Right now, I want to fight off this feeling so I word vomited to all 3 people who will read this just so I could stop it.

Right now, I want to be better. Right now, I want my pain to stop. Right now, I want to have more to life than this Groundhog Day I’m in. Right now, I want to stay positive. Right now, I want to live.

Right now, I will. Right now…