Explanation One

I explained that I would give some context into why someone like me would have so much anxiety, PTSD, OCD, Bipolar, anger, etc, etc, etc. I know, it sounds like I just picked every mental disorder a person could have and threw them together for this post.

The fact is that some or all of those conditions are a side effect or worsened by one or more of the others. For instance, the PTSD (PTSI) causes OCD and anger along with paranoia and anxiety in certain situations. So my social anxiety is worsened by my PTSD. My OCD wasn’t even a thing until I “developed” OCD and so the OCD causes even more anxiety about other things. The anger is part of the PTSD and the OCD also causes anger if I can’t get things JUST RIGHT. My social anxiety is mostly as a result of the PTSD but its also because of the Bipolar and OCD because I have no tolerance for other people doing dumb shit even when it’s something tiny like, walking too slowly down an aisle. Rage is part of PTSD and Bipolar Disorder so that’s another side effect of another condition that causes a condition.

You hear about people with PTSD and most of the time you think….soldier. Not everyone was shot at during the Iraq war or hit an IED in Afghanistan. Some people experience PTSD from things like sexual assault, animal attacks, car accidents, the death of a loved one, seeing someone get injured, seeing something scary, and the list goes on. Not everyone is built to be able to handle those things the same way. Some people are badasses and just don’t give a fuck what they see or hear. They move on with life and tell stories about it later and give the person hearing the story PTSD just because it’s so gross or scary. Sarcasm. The rest of us have something in our chemistry that has caused us to relive that event and its emotions, memories, physical and mental feelings, images, sounds, and even the surroundings.

For me, I can visualize every single inch of the area, the people, the images of the injured, the only exit out, the fires, the aftermath, the fear, the screaming, the panic, and so on. Its been 15 years and I still jump and scream at the sound of a loud noise. I still have an over exaggerated startle reflex. I still look for the table in the back of the restaurant. I still don’t like large crowds. I still even avoid running over trash in the road.

The symptoms don’t just go away in six months or a year. They stay with you forever, sometimes. You dream about death or that event. You lose sleep and don’t know why.

Don’t assume that soldiers are just pussies that can’t handle what they signed up for in the first place. Just because someone didn’t lose a leg or become disfigured, doesn’t mean they don’t have invisible wounds that haven’t been treated.

Take that stigma, that stereotype you have of people with different forms of anxiety and mental or emotional issues and understand that its not always many different conditions but possibly one or two conditions that cause the side effects that mimic other illnesses.

Also, if you are using the word anxiety, bipolar, depressed, OCD, or any other name for a legitimate mental/emotional condition to describe how you’re feeling in the moment, just stop.

You are not “bipolar today”. You are not OCD today. That video of the paint being smeared together doesn’t give you anxiety. You don’t have social anxiety because you’re shy. Those are words that have become so overused that the people who actually suffer from those conditions seem like they’re trying to fit into the fad of being mentally ill. Why is this a fad anyway? Why the fuck would anyone want to be bipolar?

When I see or hear someone, including my own children, use those words when I know for a fact that they are just describing a feeling for that moment in time, I correct them on the spot. Its a little insensitive and offensive to those of us who wish we could just be nervous to speak to a new person instead of sweating, heart racing, mind racing, body shaking, and the urgency to run away or actively avoid the situation. Nervous would be nice.

That is all.

AVC

Listen to this song!

If you ready anything I write, ever, you know that this song talks about the kinds of feelings I, and others with depression or feel like giving up.

I don’t listen to it to make myself feel bad but to think that even famous people feel this way. Maybe life can be normal if even they deal with it and make songs about it.

Please listen!

And if you’re too busy to sit and watch a video or just can’t do it for some other reason….here are the lyrics.

Katelyn Tarver

“You Don’t Know”

I know you’ve got the best intentions
Just trying to find the right words to say
I promise I already learned my lesson
But right now, I want to be not okay

I’m so tired, sitting here waiting
If I hear one more just be patient
It’s always gonna stay the same

So, let me just give up
So, let me just let go
If this isn’t good for me, well I don’t wanna know
Let me just stop trying
Let me just stop fighting
I don’t want your good advice or reasons why I’m alright
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know what it’s like

Can’t stop these feet from sinking
And it’s starting to show on me
You’re staring while I’m blinking
But just don’t tell me what you see
I’m so over all this bad luck
Hearing one more keep your head up
Is it ever gonna change

So, let me just give up
So, let me just let go
If this isn’t good for me, well I don’t wanna know
Let me just stop trying
Let me just stop fighting
I don’t want your good advice, or reasons why I’m alright
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know what it’s like

Don’t look at me like that
Just like you understand
Don’t try to pull me back

Let me just give up
Let me just let go
If this isn’t good for me I don’t wanna know
Let me just stop trying
Let me just stop fighting
I don’t want your good advice or reasons why I’m alright
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know
You don’t know
You don’t know
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know
You don’t know
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know what it’s like

AVC

A little insight

I write a lot about my feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts. It gets a little old sometimes when all I can talk about is how fucking depressed I am. I complain about everyone and everything but I haven’t really given any context as to why I feel the way I do.

I’ve told y’all before about my uncle but then I deleted it because it just didn’t tell the story the right way. As a matter of fact, I deleted all of my posts because I want to try to express how someone like me gets to this point.

There are thousands of people, even millions, that have gone through what I’ve been through, military and childhood traumas, and each of us has our own symptoms and deal with them in our own ways. Some of us see therapists. Some of us lose our shit on our family and cause problems in the household. Some of us try to pretend to be normal and hide our stress and anxiety. Some of us seek medications, prescription or other substances like alcohol or drugs.

The point of this is to let you know that mine and others’ depression and anxieties are not something we are just too weak to deal with but instead are strong enough to survive even though we feel like we are dying inside, most of the time.

Listen carefully when someone tells you that they are hurting or feeling depressed. There may be something you can do for them but never ever just tell them that everything will be okay. That’s the worst thing you can tell someone who feels that way. Listen. Listen. Listen.

 

Looking Like A New Page?

I, in my OCD, Bipolar, PTSD state, decided the last page sucked and so did all of the posts. I restructured and designed this basic ass page with categories that actually mean something. My posts will go to the category that fits best and I will try not to ramble on too much but you will see me tell you honest tales of my shitty ass life. I’m not exaggerating about anything. I’ve been through hell and back and hell and back.

Welcome to the new page. Hope you like it but if you don’t, go fuck yourself. I mean that with the utmost respect and fun-loving-ness that I can muster.

AVC